af is here

period.

preview

Saturday evening I started spotting.  I guess this is a preview of what is to come....AF.  Therefore, I didn't test.

rollercoaster

I guess I should be happy my temp went up, but I feel like it is a cruel joke playing with my emotions.  Yesterday I realized that if we don't get pregnant this month then we will not be pregnant by the twins due date.  This on top of the month of May getting closer and closer.....basically, May is going to be a hard month for me. 

I think I might just hide away from the world. 

a silver thread of hope and a prayer

I wasn't going to share this, but I keep thinking about it.  A couple days ago, I was driving along in my minivan (yes I am still driving the van, kind of sad but it is really nice!)....back to story....I had the weirdest sensation.  I just felt like I was not alone, I just felt like for one brief moment that I was pregnant.  I felt like I used to feel when I was pregnant with the twins.  In that moment, I smiled inside savoring that feeling of specialness or closeness, but even those words do not describe it.  And then it was gone, the rational side of my brain took back over and reminded me of all the doubts and heartache; reminded me that I am not that lucky fertile woman who am I to think that I am pregnant?  But for that one brief moment, I remembered why I go through all this.  That moment was like a silver sparkling thread of hope, but it keeps slipping through my fingers and I can't find a way to hold onto it before crashing back into my pit of anxious doubt and whatever all those other feelings are that words just can't describe.

Of course after it happened I began to hope just a little more, I mean--I've been pregnant.  I know now what it feels like.  But then I don't want to hope. I don't want to be disappointed or fracture my already tender heart.  I want to keep being negative and hopefully I will be shocked by a positive!  So I can run into my bedroom with pee drops flying off the stick and jump onto my sleeping husband who has sand boogers in his eyes.  I want to say the words that might make our biggest dream come true, I want to see his eyes fly open in a way that NEVER happens in the morning. I want to be thrown gently onto our bed and kissed and hugged the way he did last time.  I want to look into my husbands eyes and see joy again.

But I don't  have the control to make this happen....God does and even though I don't like his plan I know there is a bigger picture.  Do you pray and then hear a second dialogue of words along with your prayer?  I know what I am supposed to say and of course that God knows all my thoughts, but that internal dialogue really shows my true colors.  This is the prayer that keeps pouring out of my heart:

God, I am ready to move forward, I know your timing is better, but can't our timing be the same now?  I feel as if I have waited long enough and as patiently as possible, just remember you made me this impatient person.  I loved, love my boys and thank you for sharing them with me for a brief moment.  You know me, you know I am weak and tired of looking backward.   Thank you for this recent answer to prayer for our new home, and I ask that you make my body a new home for a precious bundle of joy. And please this time can we borrow your child a bit longer on earth?  Please please!!  I promise I will raise them to love you, to know you.

(I wrote post this yesterday while I was in a hopeful mood.  Today my temp dropped DRASTICALLY almost touching the cover line of DOOM.  So I guess I am not feeling very positive anymore.)

10dpo ramblings

So, my temp dropped this morning putting a leak in my little bubble of hope.  I know it's not below the cover line so I am still in the runnings.  Weird fact: this chart and my BFP chart both had the same 97.7 cover line temps; also they both do a lot of up and down after ovulation so I've come to the realization that really I only take my temps to pinpoint ovulation so I will know when AF is to arrive. This does elevate a lot of stress, think about it if I thought my cycle was 28 days, that makes me late every month by 8 days...8 days of worry and hope only to be disappointed again and again.

Last night I made an internal deal with myself, does anyone else do this?  I said to myself, if my temp stays up you can take a PG test, but if it goes down you have to wait.  I just realized that in making this deal it is a lose/lose for me.

1. my temp goes up, i test and it is positive and we are shocked (the percentage of this actually happening is so slim at 10dpo, so really #1 option is not an option, lets cross it out.
2. my temp goes up, i test and it is negative and i say i know it's just too early to really test, we can pee again tomorrow and i prolong the pain and waste money
3. my temp goes down, so i am not allowed to test (disappointment) and then double disappointment because i am probably not pregnant

I did almost cheat on my deal with myself this morning (what does this say about me?), but my mom called and I was already running late for work, so I didn't.  I hate this 2WW....i am not a patient person and I don't like not having control.  I know I am in a better position than a lot of women who have never gotten pregnant on their own, but really am I going to have to wait another 14 months?  I know that at least I have the "hope" that it "could" happen, but grrrrrrrrr it doesn't make it any easier.

A couple weeks ago I was speaking with my nurse and she mentioned that there was a note in my chart that I can get clomid sent to the pharmacy whenever I want.  So basically, even though I didn't take any medications to become pregnant the first time I am still considered infertile according to my doctors office because it took us so long.  Chris and I haven't really talked about when clomid might become our next step.  I think that right now we both need to get settled into the new house before adding clomid craziness to the overfilled boiling pot that is our life right now.

Enough of my ramblings ~ ~ ~ ~

9dpo (days past ovulation)

So technically some women will show a positive pregnancy test at 10dpo (tomorrow). With my first and only pregnancy so far I didn't test early because I didn't think that there was anyway at all that I could be pregnant.  So, I don't want to waste the money and test early and just prolong the heartache.  So, the count down is on to Sunday, 14dpo and when my Aunt Flo is expected. 

Send prayers, BFP dust and whatever you've got my way!

time to compair

I have been thinking all day that since my temp dropped it is not a huge deal because I think it did it the month we conceived the twins.  So with out further ado my chart as of this morning:

I don't know what to think...I guess it doesn't really matter because what is, will be.